Week 29 Notes
As I rapidly approach the end of my last pregnancy I’ve been trying to reflect and have some thoughts to share.
I take each day for what it is and I’m grateful every evening when I haven’t gone into early labor. If I allowed myself to I could be consumed with worries and fears so when you ask how I’m doing and I say “good”, it’s because I’m not allowing myself to think too much into anything.
I’m encouraging myself to enjoy every aspect of this as much as I can. I remain positive and optimistic!
This experience has been nothing short of a miracle. I had mentally prepared myself to never be pregnant again. I couldn’t do it. We couldn’t keep trying and not succeeding because month after month I was devastated.
I wasn’t happy when people told me they were pregnant. And I hated every single part of being in that space emotionally. Who isn’t happy for someone to have a baby? I had no desire to be that person.
The thought of never having a baby grow and move inside of me literally reduced me to tears more times than I care to admit. I couldn’t keep on like that.
I’m sure people look at me and think, 2 losses, 2 years of trying for murph, MTHFR and PAI issues, infertility, whatever else in between is nothing.
I know people have struggled way more than we have. But that certainly doesn’t discount our feelings and struggles. And no one has ever come at us saying that but I can only imagine people who’ve never had a baby, or have 10 losses have to be thinking, relax it could be worse. And I agree. But we weren’t willing to put ourselves through that.
Jason has seen me at my all time lows. Literally crying in a ball on the bathroom floor, kitchen floor, sobbing myself to sleep. Mentally and emotionally I’m not strong enough to go through that anymore.
God or the universe whatever you believe had bigger plans for us, twins! And although we aren’t to the finish line yet and 100 things could still go wrong I stand firmly and say “devil get behind me” as my grandma taught me years ago. “We do not let this negativity consume us and there is no room for you in our life.” .
Continued in comments.